I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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