How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
