I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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