dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
