Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
