I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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