i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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