i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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