i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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