Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
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you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
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I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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