Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
