That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i've created a new STD.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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