Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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