This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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