She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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