i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
