I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain