Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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