Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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