i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
