wakey wakey hands off snakey
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
