so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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