I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
