11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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