My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
