So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
