Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
