her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
