about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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