I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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