my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
