Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We named our party play list daddy issues
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
