He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
