You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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