my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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