A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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