Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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