Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
