Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
