when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
