We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
