so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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