I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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