really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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