Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
