then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
