I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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