He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
