I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
