i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
