im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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