Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
