This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So squirting runs in the family.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
