i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
