If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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