Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I love you. Go after that dick
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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