omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
