I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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