This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
