just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
