I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
