Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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