Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
